Day 1: NOW WHAT? or What the Hell is Wrong with Me?
I am not sure what to do.
I know I have to do something ... and it has to be more than a blog, because this feels like I am whining, too scared to change anything. I suppose I am. I accept that. But change what? I am clueless. I assumed this feeling would go away, but it is as intense, if not more so, than it has ever been.
It seems beyond silly, cliche'. Certainly it was not totally unexpected, but is not the real me, is it? It feels pathetic, because is this really what I have become?
I am an empty nester.
I cannot move on. Life has gotten in the way, and I am not dealing with this well at all. I keep assuming that if I keep busy enough, I will snap out of it, pull myself up by my bootstraps, just get over it already. It has been over 6 months ... GET OVER IT ALREADY. GROW UP ...
JUST. DO. IT.
But I can't. I guess I should no longer think of myself as Mom (unless the kids need me, and reach out to me, which they rarely do lately; they are busy and do not have time for us, at all, in the normal month or even two.) It has become apparent that I could have done more to raise MYSELF, to prepare for this graduation from Mom to ... what?
I am having considerable trouble accepting my new role, or rather my obvious lack of any suitable (in my mind) role/label/identity whatsoever. I seem to have nothing in my life that can ever occupy this hole.
My kids are doing exactly what I raised them to do. They are leading their lives after college. They are balancing their careers, relationships, and their social lives, and they do live an hour or two away; I really do understand. But I do not like it at all.
I even asked my kids if I could "friend" them on Facebook, and they were fine with that, but I felt like a spy. They rarely replied to my comments or questions, though they did to their friends, and instead of feeling like I could simply keep in touch, I felt more and more excluded, like I was invisible. I understand how it is, and I did mention my concerns finally to them, to little avail. They are just too busy, I remind myself. I tried, but while I actually enjoy much of what I am doing with these social outlets, I finally had to let the kids go.
So I did. I am no longer their FB friend. If they mention it, I will explain it was a good idea, I'm glad I tried, but it just wasn't for me. I even pared my friend list down to those I actually have ongoing conversations with ... I wasn't gathering names to feel popular, but to reach out. I still know how to get in touch with those who do not use their pages, so it isn't much different. But my heart is aching. I feel broken
I will continue with my various projects. De-cluttering the house from too many cast-offs (from the kids' many moves, a deceased parent and my own need to simplify) is a priority for me. Letting go of an item has to be easier than letting go of the person who used it, right? It has to be. It will all be good practice.
I do need to brush-up on my spiritual work and adjust my attitude. More exercise, yoga and a renewed focus on my diet will all be welcome. These simple changes are very doable, because I know exactly what needs my attention; I have slacked off and developed some bad habits.
We also are updating many rooms in the house and replacing the old appliances; we are enjoying this because it is long over-due. We get to choose exactly what we want, with an eye to the day we might down-size or choose stay in the home we love, though it is too big for the two of us.
And as I make these changes, inside of me and externally, I will live in the moment and be conscious of what I am doing. I will find the peace that has escaped me as I fought against these things I cannot change.
I had myself a good cry. I embraced my broken heart, and with practice I will be okay.
I feel a bit better. Perhaps blogging along the way will be good for me.
I know I have to do something ... and it has to be more than a blog, because this feels like I am whining, too scared to change anything. I suppose I am. I accept that. But change what? I am clueless. I assumed this feeling would go away, but it is as intense, if not more so, than it has ever been.
It seems beyond silly, cliche'. Certainly it was not totally unexpected, but is not the real me, is it? It feels pathetic, because is this really what I have become?
I am an empty nester.
I cannot move on. Life has gotten in the way, and I am not dealing with this well at all. I keep assuming that if I keep busy enough, I will snap out of it, pull myself up by my bootstraps, just get over it already. It has been over 6 months ... GET OVER IT ALREADY. GROW UP ...
JUST. DO. IT.
But I can't. I guess I should no longer think of myself as Mom (unless the kids need me, and reach out to me, which they rarely do lately; they are busy and do not have time for us, at all, in the normal month or even two.) It has become apparent that I could have done more to raise MYSELF, to prepare for this graduation from Mom to ... what?
I am having considerable trouble accepting my new role, or rather my obvious lack of any suitable (in my mind) role/label/identity whatsoever. I seem to have nothing in my life that can ever occupy this hole.
My kids are doing exactly what I raised them to do. They are leading their lives after college. They are balancing their careers, relationships, and their social lives, and they do live an hour or two away; I really do understand. But I do not like it at all.
I even asked my kids if I could "friend" them on Facebook, and they were fine with that, but I felt like a spy. They rarely replied to my comments or questions, though they did to their friends, and instead of feeling like I could simply keep in touch, I felt more and more excluded, like I was invisible. I understand how it is, and I did mention my concerns finally to them, to little avail. They are just too busy, I remind myself. I tried, but while I actually enjoy much of what I am doing with these social outlets, I finally had to let the kids go.
So I did. I am no longer their FB friend. If they mention it, I will explain it was a good idea, I'm glad I tried, but it just wasn't for me. I even pared my friend list down to those I actually have ongoing conversations with ... I wasn't gathering names to feel popular, but to reach out. I still know how to get in touch with those who do not use their pages, so it isn't much different. But my heart is aching. I feel broken
I will continue with my various projects. De-cluttering the house from too many cast-offs (from the kids' many moves, a deceased parent and my own need to simplify) is a priority for me. Letting go of an item has to be easier than letting go of the person who used it, right? It has to be. It will all be good practice.
I do need to brush-up on my spiritual work and adjust my attitude. More exercise, yoga and a renewed focus on my diet will all be welcome. These simple changes are very doable, because I know exactly what needs my attention; I have slacked off and developed some bad habits.
We also are updating many rooms in the house and replacing the old appliances; we are enjoying this because it is long over-due. We get to choose exactly what we want, with an eye to the day we might down-size or choose stay in the home we love, though it is too big for the two of us.
And as I make these changes, inside of me and externally, I will live in the moment and be conscious of what I am doing. I will find the peace that has escaped me as I fought against these things I cannot change.
I had myself a good cry. I embraced my broken heart, and with practice I will be okay.
I feel a bit better. Perhaps blogging along the way will be good for me.
